From the lowness
The cold winter finally transformed into summer. Like usual, Michigan skipped right over Spring lol. Normally, I would love this time so much. However, this year it is much different. I keep praying, “Dad, bring back December”.
It is different because I don’t want to lose December. This past December was one of the best memories of my life. It was the only month that I have been through in this long journey that didn’t hurt with faith-testing. I felt like a normal person and not the lowest of all humanity. God answered my cries and gave me a chance to catch my breath.
God really reached out to bless us during that month. In fact, every month since we have moved into where He has us currently, I always pray and ask God to send the promised room rent money before the property company reaches out to ask for payment.
When they reach out to ask for a payment, before I offer to pay it, it has always been because the money I needed didn’t show up yet. By the time that happens, I am usually burning alive with pressure. It can be horribly painful to be so helpless and depend on God to show up in His time. Patience can be hurtful to develop.
December was the only month that God answered that prayer of showing up before the property company so far and I was able to pay 2 months even, not just one. I felt so good because I had plenty of wiggle room. I didn’t have to stress and for a very rare time, I could just be happy in the present moment.
I was able to decorate for the Holidays because that was a big deal to the children after living in hotels for so long. It had been 5 years since we were able to enjoy the comforts of a home.
It hurts when things get low. I feel like I am 50 feet below the ground right now. Not only with no vehicle of my own, but also I am only 12 days until my room is due once again. I am waiting on God to deliver the promise. Another big problem is now is we all need summer clothes because it is hot to wear big winter hoodies and long pants when it is 80 plus degrees out.
I wish so much that I was able to do things the easy way. I actually fantasize about having my old jobs sometimes. If I had a normal job, I would have respect instead of criticism from the normal people out there.
I wouldn’t feel so helpless, even though I know that depending on God this way is right where He wants me right now.
Between us, there is a big opposition that keeps me from doing things traditionally. The reason is one that I cannot yet disclose and it is apart from obviously obeying my calling from God to live by only His promise.
For that reason, I cannot work as normal people do and that is why it is really personal and intentional that God made me this promise to support us through this blog. It’s a real love story that is way better than anything I have ever known.
It hurts so much to be different. It hurts so much to feel so low at times. I will never forget that one time God said to me, “embrace what makes you different because being different is what causes you to fly”. It’s like playing the role of Dumbo lol.
It has been up and down because God wanted me to be comfortable to trust Him during the high times and the low times. He also wanted to heal my soul of generational hoarding and trust Him to always refill us–no matter how big it looked. He is always challenging me to give and then to trust Him to be even more generous.
When I was opening my new PO box, they needed an address and I nearly broke into tears when I had to shamefully tell the man helping me that I had no home.
There was a lady in there and I saw her look over at me when I said that. She didn’t have a kind sympathetic look, but she looked at me like I was the scum of the earth. She was dressed in super fancy pretty clothes and in my mind I was like, “okay but how does your soul look?”
Because in Heaven I am royal. The poverty appearance is only a disguise. I mean, come on, the King of Kings was born in an animal stable–who are we to judge worthiness by the world’s standards?
One of the hardest things that I have had to fight for is my identity. Even though I know that I am the Righteousness of God through Christ Jesus and all of His Kingdom wealth is embedded into this promise that God has given to me for this journey, it is hard not to feel like I am dirt and it is hard to convince myself sometimes too.
For someone who has never had to be regarded as the lowest of the low in this world, you can’t understand. And even if you try to preach about it, I would not be able to receive it from someone who has never lived it. It is a slap in the face actually.
I respect leaders who teach from something that they have been through and overcome, but I have zero respect for those who have never walked through it and still have the nerve to tell others how to get through it.
I guess that is part of the beauty of having to walk through such a low place. Because that low place is where my future ministry will be built from.
I will be able to help people like me who have been the outcasts and deemed losers. I will be able to be generous to those who don’t have a home or vehicles or material things. I will be able to have empathy and true understanding to help them because I have lived it.
Right now, I am just wanting to bring back December haha. I keep imagining that the kid’s tree that they designed was still up and I imagine that when I look at my bank account, it is full of plenty. I imagine looking out the high windows and seeing the snow falling and looking like a snow globe. These are a few of my favorite things. 🙂
It feels so good to go into that special place because I have relief. I don’t have to worry about money, because God took care of everything. I don’t have to feel like the lowest of the lows and be judged for something that I cannot change yet.
I have had to lay my entire life on Jesus in a way that most of those people who criticized me could never do. I have had to depend on Him for sheer survival and I have had to trust Him to take care of my children– who mean more to me than anything in this world.
It hurts and what hurts, even more, is when I have to walk through the ugly low times or be judged by the religious Christians with filthy ugly souls that have never really been cleansed by real love.
My outward life may look like it is the lowest there is, but that is where the beauty is hidden. Because God explodes His power out of my weakness to draw more glory for Himself.
As I share with you the low times, you are able to see and feel just how low it is. You can literally feel the pebbles that stick to the bottom of my bare feet, as I walk through this really humbling time on the dirt-covered ground.
But then when God breaks through to save me as the Hero that He is, then you can see that nothing came from myself–it was all Him. His love reaches down and comforts me in my hardship. His love pours into my life, to reach the places where no one else could.
Even though this hurts, I am so thankful that Jesus is my best friend and my source of unlimited supply. To those that have criticised me and treated me as the lowest low–just wait and see what God does from this story.
The pit leads to the palace and sometimes the one in the low position was being prepared to help the same ones who pushed him into it.
All my love to you dear ones. I cried so hard writing this post that I had to use my shirt as a handkerchief and now I have to wash my clothes lol. May God use this pain in a way that brings beauty–somehow and somewhere–someday.
I love you,