the edge of a cliff
To my utter surprise, I had a text message from the place that has been allowing us to rent their room for the past 10 months. They barely gave me any notice and just up and decided that they want us to go within the next 2 to 3 weeks.
Ever since that moment, my heart has not stopped racing. I have been bursting into tears constantly while reminding myself of God’s promises. He assured me through this alarm, that He would show up with loyalty and comfort.
I don’t know why every time God transitions us into something new, it always looks like we are about to fall off of a cliff. (and I am scared of heights lol).
It feels like I am on the edge of the cliff and about to go over. My heart has been racing with fear and dread at the thought of going back to moving around. I remember when I wrote my stories last year of our traveling days of faith.
It was exciting but so scary. It seemed like I went from suddenly falling to flying into miracles of support. I recorded it all in my book and it looks like now I have much more to add to that.
Do you ever get to the place where the world is too much to bear? There are some heavy burdens on my shoulders that I cannot continue to carry.
There have been so many “what if’s” that I have had to deal with and wondering how God is going to break through to deliver the provisions for us to move. The greatest thing in the world would be if God used this pain to open the door to our housing promise.
I would cry a million trillion happiness tears. This has been more painful to walk through than I can describe. To never know where the money is coming from while having to trust God’s promise in a place that means death or life is one of the hardest anguishes I have ever known.
It makes my blood boil when people assume that my wilderness was easy because my feet have had to travel in ways and in places that most people on this earth have never known. It was beyond terrifying when I went to that hotel room with my babies with a rescue from God as my only survival choice.
I didn’t have some check coming in that I could see and plan on, but God would show me a vision of a check and an amount and then tell me to trust Him to deliver it. That is a faith of extreme levels to reach and I haven’t always done it gracefully.
In fact, much of the time I had to be rescued for my lack of faith, as I lay weeping on the floor with wet hair from my tears and soaked in a puddle. I had no one to reach out to for help, so I would close my eyes and try with all of my might to see Jesus appear.
I really wanted to disappear from the anguish and be with Him in a place where there were no more hardships or oppositions. But He would give me the grace to keep going.
He would show up to save us, but it wasn’t so much Him physically but He would send one of His children to help us or some kind of strange deposit would appear to cover our rooms. His love would show up in my weakness and rescue me.
It hurt—it hurt more than I can tell you. I have cried alone more nights than I have smiled during the day. It has been unbearable at times to shut off the worry and doubts and fears that were closing in on me.
People tell me to just not worry and have faith—as if they had any idea what it was like to live in such a way. But I just receive it as a hug from God and know that He understands my frail humanity and that was just another confirmation of His coming support.
So I stand here on the edge of the cliff again. But I cannot breathe with the weight of all of these needs, burdens, and fears. The only way to get through this is to surrender my whole life and the lives of my family afresh to God and trust Him to save us again and honor His words.
I shake off all of this weight and I prepare for what comes next as the wind blows against me. With my heart racing but my spirit excited for the change, I step off the edge of the cliff to follow Jesus once again into the unknown.
Will His words hold me up just as they always have? Or will I fall to the ground and take my last breath? I obviously know that He will save us because He promised and God cannot lie.
His love is an extension of His promise and that promise is connected to our lives. We are connected like heart strings playing the songs of His intentional love.
Maybe I didn’t dance perfectly and I was mocked for my mistakes, but at least I took the chance and surrendered to the leap of faith. If anything, I have that to say.
Our family would greatly appreciate your positive prayers of faith and any support that you can give over the next couple of weeks, as we take another dive off the cliff of faith to follow Jesus in the next chapter ahead.
Maybe this will be when this bird finally gets her own little nest. ♡ Maybe He will even show up to catch me before I start falling. Nothing is impossible and that hasn’t changed.
I love you truly and I am more thankful for you than you will probably ever know,