It Was The Hat I Wore

 

A few days ago, I woke up to a vision of a little girl crying. She said, “I don’t like this world anymore, I want to go home”. After that, I went through many days of sorrow, just wanting to be free of this journey. 

 

I knew that the little girl was me, the child-like faith version of me that was trapped in a world full of pain and suffering. Things were hard because our check out of the room we are in is fast approaching, and I was going through the low times of many needs…and it was scary. 

 

I felt like I couldn’t be honest about my life. I had to put on a happy face, and pretend like I loved living this way. When God rescued me and my daughters from nearly being on the streets of homelessness, He gave me a hat to wear, temporarily. 

 

I was like a jester, who was an entertainer and actor. I made a fool of myself by sharing the parts of my life that I wanted to hide, in order to share God’s messages. Not only that, but I had to become secure in my insecurities. 

 

It was humiliating being without a home in the presence of my old high school classmates who posted pictures of their homes, and the earthly family that had picked me apart in judgment and gossip. 

 

Yet, like the entertaining jester, I was part of the Royal family. A jester had the freedom to sit with the master, and speak whatever came to his mind. So I would pretend to love this journey on the open, but then I would cry my heart out to God at night. 

 

It was hard to always have to move, from one place to the next, and to never know how God would pay for it. I was facing more fears and life and death situations than most ever knew, while they sat in the comfort of their living room watching. 

 

I could never own anything. There was no room for it in the car, where we held all of our belongings. Every time we move, it is so exhausting to carry everything we own. You miss certain things that others take for granted, like a mailbox and privacy. 

 

I had to trust God to supply our food needs, and it is painful to face the fears of having nothing. I was like a clown, with a blue teardrop painted on my face, having to openly expose my life to entertain those who have never known living such a kind of faith. Yet, it was rewarding when God pulled out miracles and I felt so close to His ever-present love. 

 

Because it’s not just posting scriptures on social media for me or talking big words with no experience. It’s not comparison or competition in ministry…who has time to look around when you are going through life or death situations??

 

….no it is laying my life and my family on the altar of trust, risking everything…even to death….and then having faith that God will catch us and hold us up with some kind of home and support. 

 

I wanted to give up, but I was trapped in my role, until God opened up our promised permanent home.

 

The problem was, my head and focus was on this world, and not the promise of what God said that I had. The truth was in what God promised, and because what we see in the natural will always change. 

 

In the natural, I felt pain, hunger, need, and the humiliation of not having my own home like everyone else. I was the black sheep of the family…the joker….the one that was watched and mocked….all for my calling from God. But when I was at “Home” with God in my promise, I felt the closeness of His love that was so indescribable. 

 

In the midst of my woes, God started to remind me who I was. He made me a promise that He covers all of our needs richly. He promised that I was wealthy with His wealth, and that we always ate good, abundant food. Furthermore, He promised we have a HOME. 

 

The contrast was what I saw in the natural and what God had said. My home was with God in His promises, but I was spending my days in the world, being beaten with lashes of pain, suffering, and heartache. 

 

God was calling me to come back “Home” to His words, and to my identity in Him, of living as royalty. To repent means to turn around and to go home. I was not with God at “Home” in His promise, but I was in the world, being bashed by waves of need and hurt. 

 

At that moment, God said to me, “where do you live? In the Promise or in the world?”. Because in the promise I have a home, I have an abundance, and I am royalty….not a joke…not pain, suffering, and need. 

 

So I poured my heart out to God and I turned my heart back to Home, to be who I truly am. For every thing that hurt me so much, I have a promise of the opposite. I have a Home in God, plentiful support, and the beauty of His blessings. 

 

I went on a journey of re-discovering who I was. It was like an inner love awakening, where God reminded me with His shofar blows that He saved me from slavery, and made me in the image of His royalty. It was a reminder that I was chosen, royal, and blessed. 

 

I was chosen, chosen to live as royalty, and not suffer in the way that the world sees. When we are abiding in what God promised, then we are not subject to so many troubles of the world. 

 

God will miraculously support us from His Kingdom, as we enjoy a feast of His goodness in the presence of our enemies. We have a promise to protect us from every problem in the world, and instead of feeling the sorrow and pain of the world, we feel the joy of God’s personal love and generosity. 

 

When we abide in God’s promise, we can ask Him for anything, and it will be fulfilled. The sweet, gigantic fruit of fulfillment that we receive gives the Father honor, and we are openly recognized as His mature children. 

 

In the world, we are faced with sorrows of imprisonment, being unable to have the freedom to do what we want and need. But at our Home in God’s promise, we have all the freedom we could ever dream. 

 

I had been in the world, with my mind on the sorrows of this living, and all of our food and bills needs, instead of being “Home” in my promises of God, and enjoying the blissful joy of His words as settled in my heart. 

 

It was a misplaced perspective. I was seeing myself as the foolish jester who was being watched and mocked, instead of seeing what God promised me, and the certain future that was full of beauty, abundance, and honor. 

 

Even though I may still be wearing this jester hat during this journey, I am wearing my “child of God hat” within, and dancing in all God promised as my personal home. I am loved by the Father so intensely, and endlessly. I will stay in that place of His words, where have a Home, and all of our needs are covered. 

 

I love to share my lessons of this journey with you. But I needed to repent for where I had my focus. I had gotten lost, by looking at the world, instead of seeing myself in the place of His promise. 

 

To be honest, I am being healed of the sorrows I encountered in the world still, with all the humiliations, and the pain of moving without a home of my own. It’s almost time to move again, and my faith is being stretched beyond belief. 

 

But before I can even enter the place of child-like faith to see His promises fulfilled again, I had to go back “Home”. I had to turn away from the world, and the bitterness of my experience, and to go back Home to sit with God in my promises from Him. I had to trade my jester hat in for a crown….

 

Because in order to see a promise fulfilled, we must abide in it. The promise must be our only Home. 

 

I love you, thank you for reading this moment of heart reflection

 

Dannette 

 

If you abide in Me and My voice abides in you, anything you ask will come to pass for you……

 

John 15:7

 

 

 

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