There was a question that someone who follows my faith journey asked me, and it honestly triggered me. I was angry at first…The question was, ‘why do you still struggle to trust God to provide for you, after all He has done to support you?”.
After my initial anger subsided, I started to think deeply about that question. The truth was, I have not been honest and open about the pain that I have endured on this journey of following God with nothing in my pocket, besides a promise of His ever-present support.
I have flowered over the pain, and I have never really exposed the suffering of being broken down, that came before He built me up with miracles and powerful testimonies. Like muscles broken down and growing bigger, there was often pain before the beauty of being empowered by a tangible promise.
The truth is, it is hard for me to trust anyone after I have been hurt or disappointed by them, and God was no different when it came to laying my heart bare and open. So I am going to take away the watered down words of what I really went through, and expose the pain, and the unbearable disappointment that came before our Christmas miracle story.
This is a trigger warning for those who are sensitive to reading about anyone else’s pain. The pain was real, but it was also the same thing that helped me move on beyond my selfishness to withhold trust, in order to see a miracle promise delivered by God.
Back in November, the Lord fulfilled His promise again to be our ever-present home. He gave us a month at a luxurious Airbnb right in the heart of downtown Chicago. We were on the 41st floor, and the views were out of this world. I had never been so high in the air before!
We were so full of hope, and anticipation for what the Holidays would bring. From the first day that we arrived at the Airbnb, we immediately put up our Christmas tree, adorned with glittering gold butterflies … .which means miracles to me.
Our hearts were full of excitement and plans of what we would buy our loved ones for Christmas. One night, as I sat in my bed overlooking the shimmering city lights, I started to journal and write God my hopes, gratitude, and prayers.
In my lists, I had prayed that God would give us a thanksgiving dinner from a restaurant that was catering it nearby. That was actually my daughter’s request, because she wanted to have relief from my cooking lol!
I also prayed and asked the Lord for a $10,000 Christmas. With that amount, I would be able to pay my bills, extend our room beyond the New Year, and cover my very hungry bills. We were only paid in our room until December 26th, having to check out the day after Christmas…something we did NOT want to do.
Throughout our time, God confirmed to me many times that He has accepted my prayers, and He made them a promise. He promised me $10,000, and the Thanksgiving restaurant meal.
However, like any word from God, it goes through the refining, where we can see them emerge as tangible gold. Going through the refining is like going through the opposite in the midst of immense heat and pressure. It can be rather painful to face the fears mentally.
Thankfully, the Lord came through with the Thanksgiving request easy. It was the best feeling to check something as fulfilled off of my list. On the bitterly cold morning of Thanksgiving, I went down to the restaurant, and picked up our hot and ready meal. It was a very happy day for us.
One night the Lord met with me in an encounter and He showed me that I would need to plant a seed of faith by giving in order to see a miracle of my $10,000 promise. Because when we release a financial blessing to someone else, it is the ultimate action of faith and trust in God’s love to be endless.
The very next day, the Lord had a donation sent to me that was very large, but I knew that I was not allowed to keep it. It was a test of my trust in His support. Without hesitating a single second, I gave $2000 to someone else in desperate need of financial support for bills and Christmas for their child.
It was so painful to do, because I already was in deep need of myself. It took a complete humbling of trust. When I gave away that money, I had already run out of food, and my bills were rising over my head, like a flood of water threatening to engulf me. That act of faith was what initiated the intense trial of my faith testing to trust God to keep His promise.
As we entered December, the contrast of our situation darkened, and everything started to look very bad. Day after day, I was holding on to the promise. I would exercise my faith many times a day, meditating on God’s words for us.
The valley that we were in grew darker and darker. Even though God had promised me the $10,000, by the end of December there was barely any food, and no gifts. Every day, by a miracle, a little scrap of support would show up to cover a meal.
It was very painful, and I was already fighting off the pain that was filling my chest like I was drowning alive. Finally, it seemed like hope was lost. Five days before Christmas arrived, and we both realized that we had run out of time to do any kind of shopping for those on our list.
In complete devastation, my daughter took down our beloved Christmas tree, leaving it in a pile of dust upon the cold floor. Just seeing that broke my heart beyond words.
By that time, we just wanted everything to be over, so I put up an ad online and listed the tree with pictures for free to a family in need. Since we didn’t have a place to store a tree, I had no other choice but to share the blessing.
That same day, I ended up giving away our beautiful tree to a woman in the city. I found out her last name means, “chariot”...which felt like my own Cinderella story. She had tears streaming from her eyes, and I realized that this gesture meant so much to her.
Giving brought comfort to me. My heart that was hardened with pain was just a little bit softer at that moment. By Christmas Eve, I was completely broken. Not only did our Christmas plans get shattered like broken glass, but we had to check out in two days, the day after Christmas. I was facing life and death again, and I had nothing left in me to believe.
On that dark day of Christmas Eve, I wept all day, for hours. I sobbed from depths of my heart that I had never touched before. I could feel my core being so completely crushed by pain. It was a pain beyond words. But the pain was not because of myself, the pain came from the hurt of a mother who had failed.
It was the deep, deep grief of a mother who failed to take care of someone she loved more than herself. By that time, I was losing faith, and I would have given anything just to make the pain end. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I was bitter. I was angry. I was broken.
There was no one who cared, or at least that is how I felt when I was being consumed with the blindness of my own grief. On Christmas Eve, I walked to the nearby CVS with only $6 in my account, and a coupon for $4 off, in hopes of getting us something to eat for $10. I was at one of my lowest lows.
The shock of disappointment was too much to take. I never expected God to disappoint me, especially during a time that matters so much to me. He had been confirming His promise to me for two months constantly, and encouraging me to exercise my faith to believe it had already happened. I didn’t understand….
I really didn’t know how to recover from this blow of pain. I didn’t know how I was ever going to trust God again. But then I thought about how far He has taken us, and all the miracles that He has performed during our journey. He is my EVERYTHING. The only ONE who was ever completely faithful to love us no matter what.
He has been so faithful, but I was angry because things didn’t happen the way I wanted it to. I was angry that I was not in control of the timing. But, I knew that the only way to see the rescue that we needed was for me to let go of my offenses, and to give God the sacrifice of trust again.
I needed to turn around my negative thinking, and to rise back up with hope again. In the midst of all the heartbreak, God had been revealing that it would come at a time that was just in time, and not too late. I started repenting for my unbelief, and asking God for mercy, and to wipe the slate clean.
Many times before, God stretched my faith to the place where the money He promised didn’t come until we were checked out and in a parking lot. My trust had already been hurt, because there were times when the story didn’t unfold in the way I had wanted it to.
It was like I was reliving a bad dream. Christmas came and went, and it was empty for us. Even though my heart was shattered, I repented for my bad thoughts, and for my anger from what I went through. I also repented for the grudges of bad memories that I was holding against God, and denying Him my trust.
I felt like a prisoner trapped in God’s plan. I didn’t want it anymore, I didn’t want this journey. As I sobbed, I felt like I could die from the pain. I was resentful and I wished I could just have a normal life.
I was angry that the Lord didn’t allow me to be like everyone else, and just go get a job. Why did He make go through something so hard and so different??!! I was the outcast of my family and community, having to endure their judgement for the sake of the Lord’s calling. I hated my calling, I hated my journey, at least at that moment.
In fact, I was so angry that I deleted the majority of friends on social media. Because when someone is facing a life and death situation, and struggling to live….they remember who helped them at their darkest hour, and who looked the other way. Those who have been there know that is true.
For years there were so many who wouldn’t care if we lived or not. Instead of love, they chose to judge, and twist God’s words. Yet I was following Him in obedience, and seeing His promises Fulfilled time and time again. His words were my comfort.
Even though it was not their fault, a friend is someone who helps, so I removed the friends that were never really friends at all. I am truly sorry for anyone that I hurt when I was hurting. Suffering is a messy thing, and it is not like me to hurt someone else.
But that was just the reaction that came from facing unbearable pain. I was raging with so much pain. I was bleeding out from my heart. I just wanted to go HOME to Heaven … .to be with the Lord. But my daughter needed me, and it was not my time to go. My story is not over yet…
That night, I cried myself to sleep, and after I drifted to sleep with dried tears on my cheeks, and eyes swollen from sobbing, the Lord gave me an encounter that changed everything.
He had shown me that my bad thoughts of fear and doubt hurt us, because the word of God does not prosper when mixed with emotions and thoughts of unbelief. When you are walking by faith, you absolutely cannot allow a single doubt or fear into your thoughts. I was the one who hurt myself, and my child suffered for my lack of trust.
But then Jesus sang me a song about His endless, unconditional love, and He told me that His vows to support us were FOREVER. In the encounter I was sobbing from so much love, and I was so thankful that God’s love would be faithful, even though I was not.
I woke up the next morning, with a renewed mind, and a heart aligned with God’s love. I decided to give God my sacrifice of trust and to only allow thoughts and feelings of faith from now on. I was committed to the Lord’s plan, and trusting it even when I didn’t understand.
Somehow the pain helped me to grow and to release the stored up bad memories. I was sick of holding that pain, I wanted to cut off every bad memory of suffering. I finally let go of the grudges that I had been holding against God and against those who had failed to love me.
I repented for my bitterness to others as well, and for judging others for judging me. They were not healed yet either. I realized that everything was happening FOR me and not against me. God’s promise was still sure. It was my SEED of VICTORY.
The day after Christmas, we checked out of the 41st floor of the Airbnb, with nowhere to go and no money for food or drinks. I didn’t even have a dollar to my name. Even though it looked like we were walking into our deaths, my heart was at peace to believe that God would show up to save us.
I drove us back to the suburbs, where parking is free. We sat in a parking lot, waiting on God’s ever-present rescue. By then it felt like my heart had been run over by a truck, like my chest was crushed, and yet hope was sprouting again. But even though I had no glimmer of hope, I was choosing to trust and believe in my $10,000 promise.
Within a couple of hours, a light had broken through the darkness. God had come through with $500 to cover us in a hotel for a few days. We went to the hotel that God had shown me to go to, and check in for 3 days.
I spent the first night aligning my heart with God’s promise and choosing to trust in His vows to be our endless, unconditional love of support … .because TRUST IS A CHOICE, and I was being selfish to withhold it. It is a gift that we give. It is the vulnerability of an open heart. That is how love gets in.
By the next morning, the Lord broke through our dire situation with $5000, and I was able to pay the urgency of my car payment, and other very desperate bills that could not wait a single moment longer.
Prophetically, I knew that the money that God promised was coming in more than one disbursement, and I was watching for the love gift to come, like a child looking to the skies for the first glittering snow flake.
My heart longed to be back at the Airbnb, and God was showing me which one He would take us to next. It’s His plan. It’s His love story for us. But the problem was, I didn’t have enough money for that one. I fell asleep praying for His rescue. By the next morning, it arrived with the swiftness of a jet plane…
At last! After so much bitterness, pain, and sorrow of facing immense disappointment and the pain of bare survival, God delivered the rest of His $10,000 promise and we were able to pay for the Airbnb and parking downtown.
Like Cinderella in a carriage, the Lord lifted us out of the dusty low place of poverty, to a fancy Airbnb that is drenched in the glittering lights of the city. We spent New Years Eve in the incredible Airbnb apartment that God gave us refuge in, and a lesson on God’s unwavering love that changed my life.
The pain and suffering was not a punishment, but it was a teacher. If I didn’t feel the pain, or taste the bitterness of suffering, I would have never let it go. It needed to be cut off. The bad memories needed to be removed before they killed us for real. Whatever we hold on to will come back around, like a chain of imprisonment.
God allowed the pain, so that I could use it to rise again, like a blazing bird flying out of the ashes that burned. It made me stronger. As upside down as it sounds, the suffering helped to restore my trust. It hurt too much to hold the fear and bad memories that kept me from trusting God.
Sometimes we must go through something we don’t want, so that we can see what we will no longer allow for ourselves. Even though I failed to keep out fears and doubts, the pain of going through them helped me to let them go, and my faith was restored to bigger than before. The fearful thoughts were like an abusive relationship that I finally ended.
Sometimes people get angry when God’s promises don’t come through for them. But at the same time, they were thinking and feeling negative things…they chose to trust fear instead of faith. We only see the promises fulfilled when we abide in them as already done, and we know when we are abiding when we feel joy, peace, and relief that it is over.
For every feeling that we have, there is a thought attached to those feelings that will either lift us into a fulfilled promise, or drag us into the dirt of pain and affliction. What are you feeling? Because feelings are the best compass to point to what we truly believe at that moment.
If you are not feeling the peace and joy of believing, then you are not abiding in the love of the promise. You cannot dine in the pig pen with mud and expect to see the glimmering gold of the palace of promise. We get to choose….the pig pen or the palace.
So save yourself the pain of the pig pen, and put down the swine of doubts, of bitterness, of anger. Shake free of the pain of the past and let it go. Because you cannot embody two places at once. You cannot embody both faith and fear at the same time. You are either in faith, or you are in fear, and we will reap the fruit of the seeds we have sown by our constant, regular thoughts.
Our beliefs are the thoughts that we think the most often. If you worry more than anything, then your beliefs are in doubt, and not the promises from God. The truth is, I exercise my faith way more than anyone even thinks. It is not easy to change the way you believe, it takes a lot of mental exercises and heart purifying through child-like trust and imaginative faith.
Several times a day, I stretch myself to enter the promise in my mind, before ever seeing it fulfilled. But in this sad country Christmas song story that I just shared, I was stretched so thin that I broke apart, and the pain that I was secretly holding was revealed.
But God knew that would happen all along, and He used the breaking to set me free from the distrust and fill me with His love instead. It takes a whole lot more than just confessing and praying for the promise. You must become it.
What messes a lot of people up is when they are waiting for fulfillment. That is not how it works. We do not wait for it, rather we become it before it is ever seen in the natural world.
Because when we are waiting for the fulfillment of promise, then we are aligning with an underlying belief that it is not done, and that only pushes it further away, and adds frustration and impatience. Our lives become what we believe, just as C.S. Lewis so elegantly said, “We are what we believe that we are”.
The truth is, we must become the promise to the point where nothing that happens on the outside can take us away from the embodiment of peace, relief, and joy. The promise (God is His word) must become so real to us, that nothing in our circumstances can cause us to sink with unbelief. Because we can and will be tested by faith with the opposite.
But we can rest in this….love will never fail, although sometimes the story turns out different than what we had thought. His love is unconditional, no matter what. God is faithful, even when we are not.
When we believe in Jesus to save the day, we will be saved. His love is a gift that will never be taken away. Sometimes things don’t happen how we thought, because God wants to take us through a way that will help us get free from the heavy burdens and deep pain that we didn’t realize we were carrying.
A moment of affliction can free the heart of a thousand sorrows of tomorrow, as we finally relinquish the pain to God and open our hearts to trust. What hurts the most is holding on to the pain of the past and what we fear going through again.
There are times when the doors to breakthrough are briefly locked, so that we can finally be released from the toxic thoughts that were threatening us with harm. The pain is an indicator that we need to let it go.
It is a narrow path to see the fulfillment of promise, one that can only be found through absolute and complete trust in Jesus.
Sometimes fulfillment happens in a different way than what we expected, so we must stay flexible. Hold onto faith, and never let in the deadly thoughts of fear and doubt. Always believe the best in Him, and leave some room for the unexpected.
The outcome will be worth the pain of dying to the flesh of distrust. A picture worth ten thousand words, everything will turn out just like God promised that it would. A single moment of pain cannot compare the joy that the fulfillment of His love-filled promise brings.
Thank you for reading!
I love you.
Dannette Ward
https://diamondsfromthedust.com/
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