It’s a gift…and I never saw it that way before
After the sun went down, and I had spent over 8 hours in a constant wrestling match between my faith and my fears in the car. A ray of light appeared and enough came through for us to go to a very low rate hotel for the evening. By that time, I had wept so hard that my heart ached, and I felt crushed completely. I didn’t know if my faith could ever recover from so much. Yet I was knocked down and I came up stronger.
I was facing the biggest fears I had ever known, and it felt like I had been thrown into the wolves. There were SO many terrible things that could have happened, or so the howling winds of the storm tried to show me. There were moments when I didn’t want to be in this world, and I wanted to completely give up on this dream that God promised.
From the moment that we pulled into the driveway of that hotel, I was sick to my stomach. It was half torn apart with construction on the outside, and the inside was even scarier looking. I also have other threatening situations that have been following us that intensified the fear and pressure of the moment too. I never really felt more like I was about to die than during that time of my life.
As I walked through the halls of the hotel, and it felt like I was walking through everglades in the midst of violent, hungry alligators. I was so uncomfortable in that environment, and the whole thing made me feel nauseous with discomfort and fear.
There were so many situations that threatened against us at that moment and, like being in a ship in the middle of an ocean storm, I was feeling “sea sick” from the traveling and having to go without the secure comfort of my own place to live.
Even though it was beyond uncomfortable, I was so thankful for the relief. The room that we had wasn’t as bad as I expected, based on the exterior, and our beds were very nice and comfortable.
It was like being surrounded in fears that “looked” like they would hurt us, but we were on our protected path to Promise with God, so they couldn’t.
Before God ever took us on this faith journey, He gave me a dream encounter. In the encounter, Jesus was leading me in a small boat through a river of alligators (symbolic of fears for me) and it was so scary.
However, the fears were never permitted to touch me and when I reached the end of the journey, I was praising Jesus and saying, “you are the BEST TEACHER!”. The journey that God took me on was a journey of becoming fearless and being able to encounter the faithful power of God’s promise to hold us up. It is very intimate, where I finally open up my heart without any resistance to God as my Husband.
The fears are like the stories that we tell ourselves, but they are not true. In another dream encounter that I had before this trip, I was having a conversation with “fear”. I told fear that his plans were not true and that real prophetic plans can only go through Jesus.
After I challenged “fear” it charged against me. I leaped out of a high window, and I was supernaturally suspended in the air and held by God’s promise. It was so perfect too! I was on my back and fully reclining into God to protect us according to His promises.
The “fear” that I was fighting tried to come after me, but he immediately fell to the ground and was gone forever. That “fear” part of me rose up from death into all the beauty of Christ–and I remember it was so captivating. All that ugly fears were replaced with beauty.
This journey is painful. It is uncomfortable. It is beyond terrifying….but it is healing me of ever fear through experience. Because REAL deliverance comes from experience and allowing God’s words to literally transform our lives and the way to think and see things. It is an inside job and Jesus is all we need.
This is such a personal and precious time. I hated it so much when we first started that I would fight and kick and scream against God for asking me to walk through such lowness, humbling, and humiliation of having to share my most vulnerable places with you. I was holding resentment and anger towards God for taking me through this, but I didn’t realize that I was being asked to fall, so that I could rise.
But last night reminded me about what this is all about. This is a gift! It is my gift from God to finally be free of the abusive, toxic relationship that I had with fear. It was necessary to walk through it, because fear must be challenged.
Fear must be made uncomfortable. Eventually to really reach the end of this rainbow, fear must die, and our faith must fully come alive—without doubts, second guessing, or insecurities.
I asked for this… I laid down my life to Jesus and this is where He took me. He didn’t take me to some big and lofty leadership role with massive popularity. He took me low, so that I could learn to trust Him with my WHOLE HEART.
Never yet has He failed. His love has never once given me over to my fears.
I am writing this to you from a library, as we wait for God to part the waters for us to go to a new hotel. I am trusting that God will send us a heart like a raven that helps those God is caring for to deliver all we need.
In the meantime, I am coming to peace with what I have been chosen to do, and I am choosing to see this as a gift and not a punishment. This is my divorce from fear, and I am so happy to be able to soar on faith into all God has promised, without having fears and doubts dragging me down.
I love you bunches, and I am sending you hugs from this windy city to yours.