Missing the Dance
I went through a time of a deep heart decision over the past week. God had (yet again) miraculously covered our room for the November 21st deadline and I was so utterly exhausted of having my faith stretching to such extreme levels. I decided that I was getting off of this ride and that I would find some other (easier) way to get by.
Going through the situations of facing life or death while holding onto nothing but my promise from God has been beyond rewarding and yet equally painful. It hurt more than I can even put into words when I had to be pressed by faith to trust God up to the last minute.
There were so many times when I didn’t know how God would save us, but He would continue to promise me that He would. I had nothing to hold onto in the physical world and that can be a very scary place to have one’s faith tested.
I eventually decided that I didn’t want to walk through the pain of facing my fears and being out of my comfort zone. I was tired and more than anything, I was tired of being scared when it looked like there was no way that we could make it.
I was tired of being a spectacle for Christian gossip and criticism. It is not easy to walk an open book lifestyle like God has asked me to do. I had just reached my limit of what I was willing to go through and I fell apart completely.
I cried so much because I really had no one else in this world that I could trust besides Jesus. He is the One who has carried me all of this way. If it was not for the unbreakable love of God and His promise to carry me, we would be homeless and completely broken. How could I not be loyal to the only loyalty I have ever had?
As I cried and prayed, the Holy Spirit began to play music to me. I hummed the song for days, but I couldn’t remember what it was from. Finally, I had an aha moment and I remembered what it was. Just as I remembered, the Lord spoke one single lyric to me, and that was all I needed.
It was from Garth Brook’s song.
(NOTE: The song does not line up with this message, except for this one line)
“I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance”
Then the Lord started to say to me that even though it hurts to face those fears in such a way, that if I chose my own way, I would miss out on encountering His intentional love over and over again.
And by the way, none of my fears have ever come to pass, it is only facing the thought of them that hurt. Every time a fearful situation came up, God would show up with His tangible love instead.
I love most of my days during this journey. I love to hold hands with Jesus through every moment and see where He takes us next. The only times when it hurts beyond words is when I am going through a critical moment of waiting for God’s promise to show up and save us from falling.
The main (and obvious) example of that is when He shows up out of nowhere to support us and cover our room, just like He promised.
We were gifted a tree and decorations this year. My youngest child wanted a tree this year more than anything and when it happened, I could see that God was answering that desire of her heart. This is the first time they have had one in 4 years since we left on our journey, so it was a special moment for them.
It’s super beautiful and fills us with wonder, as I remember all of the miracles that God has done for us. At the same, I have been facing so many fears about the tree because our next room payment is due just a couple of days before Christmas.
I had to battle all of the worst-case outcomes that were blowing at me, like a tumultuous wind. Then the Lord reminded me of a promise that He made and told me to cast all of my worries on Him and He would hold us up.
In order to do that, I had to face some areas where my faith was bruised. Before God brought us to the castle for the first time, He made me castle promises. He got me so excited with faith that I was devastated when it didn’t happen as I thought.
I thought for sure that we were heading to the castle when we were living in a town called Holland. But then, God took me on a detour. Instead of going right to the castle, I had to go through several months of barely scraping by and we had to stay in a very undesirable place instead.
I was angry for a while and my heart was hardened to trust God. But then while I was going through that low place of my life, He started to confirm the castle to me again. I was refusing to pay any attention to those signs of the castle coming because I was angry that He let me down (or so I thought).
Out of the blue (while I was feeling so blue) God showed up with surprise money and we went to the castle, just like He promised. I learned that sometimes we will take little detours in life before God’s promises come to pass.
Now He has been asking me to believe in a promise of something wonderful that would provide for us abundantly, but I had been trying not to hear about it again because I was hurt with disappointment.
God reminded me of my castle promise and helped me to have faith again. When God says that He will do something, it is a guarantee and it will happen. Sometimes there are windy roads that we have to pass over before we arrive at that destination.
“For as rain and snow can’t go back once they’ve fallen, but soak into the ground and nourish the plants that grow, providing seed to the farmer and bread for the hungry, so it is when I declare something. My word will go out and not return to Me empty, but it will do what I wanted; it will accomplish what I determined” Isaiah 55:10
If I would have let go of walking through the path that God made for me with obedience, then I would not be able to tell you this with integrity in my heart. But because I have walked through the pain of trusting Him beyond my comfort zone, I have also walked through the fulfillment of so many promises already.
What God promised you will be done, just like He said. If it hasn’t happened yet, don’t lose hope or be discouraged. He knows what He is doing and this is all part of the dance of encountering His personal love for yourself. His love will show up as a dance with fulfilled promises time after time.
I could have missed the pain of living by faith by staying in my place of false comfort, but I’d have had to miss the dance of knowing Jesus so intimately. He is all I have and I made my choice. I will keep dancing with Him and moving through this plan that He has for me, even to the end. I have come too far to go back…♡